Long time, no write !

Not necessarily because things have been going good or bad, just - I don't really know why I haven't been updating my journal really...

Anyhoo, started taking anti-depressants a few weeks ago, started on Prozac with no side effects, but told that Wellbutrin would be better to help with my lack of sex drive, so switched to those, but I can only take half the normal dose, or it makes me REALLY nauseous and wake up with a headache every morning, but SP says my mood AND libido has really improved so that's a good thing.

But yesteray was shitty.  We had a few friends over to decorate/sew and light up costumes for Burning Man, and suddenly I felt nauseous and anti-social so i went upstairs to watch tv for the rest of the evening.

I started panicking about going to Burning Man, and all the 'commitments' we had made.  Particularly my 'naked sushi platter' night.  I will be TOTALLY naked (not usually a problem) and covered in pieces of sushi and sashimi for the rock-star dinner, where about 40 'star' guests from Burning Man will come for a 6 course dinner, with me being an appetizer.

I have asked a friend to come over later this week and try and cover or disguise my hysterectomy scars with Henna, so I don't gross anyone out, and I have to be totally waxed bare, and I have these two ingrowing hairs that have made a big red lump and so he will have to disguise that too

So I'm nervous that he won't be able to disguise everything, secondly how long will I be laid out flat on a board with sushi on me, will I be dying to pee?  Usually I can only go an hour or so without peeing.... so THAT'S a huge worry....
Then, what if I have an itch??  My arms and legs will also be covered in sushi, so i wont be able to move at all...
Ok if I have a face or leg or belly itch, maybe I can ask someone to scratch it, but what if my hoo-haa itches??  What if some wasabi falls into the area and burns??

So now I don't want to go to Burning Man AT ALL.  I just want to give it all up and stay home.  Unfortunately, we have $300 of illicit substances ordered and paid for already, $250 non-refundable entry ticket, $400 non-refundable airline ticket, not to mention having to let down the organizer of the very important dinner where I am supposed to be sushi platter...

I feel TOTALLY obligated to go now, because of the money SP has spent on the trip, the commitments I have made to various camps to volunteer etc.  If it was MY money I had spent, I wouldn't feel the pressure to go, I'd just make out I was ill, and just blow it off.  But SP will shit if I back out, and probably dump me too, so it's just not an option.

I'm just dreading being nauseous every day from the anti-depressants, and taking other drugs on top of that, and the heat and the dust (thank god we have an RV) and having to show up for all this stuff I committed to

Also we have Hurricane Faye on the way to South Florida, so that won't be much fun either.

I JUST DON'T WANNA !!

After a shitty and boring Memorial Day weekend, feeling blue and down and miserable about alot of things, it's time I started going to the new gym, getting on my bike everyday, and seeing if exercise really DOES make a difference.  So I'll be journaling really boring things about how I feel on a daily basis 

I didn't wake up until 12.30 today which is weird, seems to be getting later and later these days, with no reason why... not like I partied all weekend or anything, just Friday.  Nevertheless, I got the banking done, some new workout gear for the gym and picked up my library books and made an orange-sesame salad dressing from scratch

So after all these years of bugging me and threatening to leave me, divorce me etc, we do this whole swinging thing, which he says is VITAL to his life and we cannot have a relationship without it, he will move on to someone else...

Now it appears that he isn't really interested in seeing the people we meet up with on any kind of regular basis at all. So of course, being opened up to that 'world' and finally letting go of the fear and finding that I actually quite like it, he 'takes it away' from me, as when *I* ask to go be with other people, I get a flat NO or "I don't think it's a good idea right now".  If I had said that to him before I agreed to do it, I would have been answered with a threat and / or some kind of blackmail.

So now it's ME who is bored of SP in the bedroom, I have no lust for him at all, he's getting older and older before my eyes and I'm tired of his same old shit, and still thinking he's 40.

Now I want the outside fun, and not necessarily to 'share' either.  I want the excitement and passion of an affair, a new lover, someone to get butterflies over... WHY NOW??  Things were going so well.

Is it because I really like Rob?  I don't know why... apart from us fitting personalities pretty well and being closer in age and him being quite a looker, he didn't really do anything for me in bed, so why do I crave him?

I am SO torn about telling SP my feelings.  I know if I do, we will never see him again, but also I feel that I am being dishonest not only with SP, but denying myself some pleasure in life.

I think, had it been the other way around, and we'd met a girl that he wanted 'us' to see again, and I'd said no, or wasn't planning to see her in the near future, then he would go off and see her by himself, having an affair.

Not that it makes it right to do so, but I guess now *I* feel cheated in some way that I've had some pleasure dangled in front of my face and now it's being taken away from me, like some cruel joke.

I have to fantasize about Rob in order to get even vaguely turned on by SP now.  I guess this is what happens to alot of couples, I really never thought it would happen to SP and I because I was always jealous of who he was with.  Now he's STILL jealous of some people that I have told him over and over that it will never happen (and it REALLY won't, he's totally barking up the wrong tree there) and it's getting tiresome.

I did feel a pang of something today, not jealousy as such, but now M.O.M. is pregnant, he wants to take nude or semi-nude pics of her, as he thinks she should, or she will regret it later and she's only got a few weeks before she drops the brat out, and that every mother to be should have pics of herself pregnant.  If he does that, I will almost definitely use that as an excuse to do WHATEVER I like, as, me being anti-kids, I think it's pretty gross that he'd want to take those pics of her.

I really want to tell him how I feel, so why the fear?  He can't do anything to me except divorce me, as he does not need any grounds to do so in Florida, and I have a few job prospects and feel settled, so why would I care?  Because I love him in a certain way, but I'm not IN LOVE with him, I really don't want to live without him, but on HIS terms, sharing lovers, funny how that has turned around from me being so dead against it, to wanting what HE wanted all along, but now he's changed his mind. Weird.

I guess after his birthday I'll go back to the psychologist and see what she says, as we only discussed it briefly the other day.

I've been real grumpy coz a few weeks after my surgery I was horny as hell, then just as suddenly as it appeared, it went away so for the first time ever, SP and I hadn't had sex for 12 days.  He was good about it tho, never bugged me, tried to help by giving me an oily massage but I just fell asleep !

I told him last night that I didn't want to be here and had 'itchy feet' and was still pissed that I wasn't horny.  I'm 'restless', even though there is no reason I can think of for it.... I have a part time job, 2 other job opportunities, parties and weekends away and burning man to prep for... maybe it's all the coke I did at the weekend.

Anyway, last night he met up with a guy who we met at the weekend who is interested in making some performance poetry art ...SP has a shit load of poetry he's written since the late 60's so they met up to see what they could do.  This morning he left his 'poetry book' out on the kitchen table, I flicked through a few bits of it, then we had this messenger conversation:


Me:    wow you kept that poetry book hidden!  Seems like you wrote alot of 'love' stuff in 86 and 87 - when you and carla were breaking up i guess..
SP:    It's been in the bookcase all along. And I don't think that's all of it either.
Me:    I saw some years ago in the yellow bookcase, mostly about Jen and brazil it seemed
SP:    Same book
Me:    no, this was in some see-thru booklet, mostly about brazil and orgasms as i remember, none of that stuff in there from the 60's
SP:    The booklet I printed for BM I gave to Daniel
Me:    ok, that would be it then.  Shame you weren't able to stay wit h those people and situations that obviously got under your skin enough to write about, huh?

SP:    Don't believe everything you read. Most poetry is a take off of something.

Me:    I guess you only write poetry about what you can't have.
Me:    yeah right... Sunshine an Daria?? pretty obvious


Me:    Why didn't we have passion like that?  i want it.  I miss it.
SP:    We actually have something better - love.

Me:    I don't call it love when you would be willing to drop me like a hot coal if i suddenly don't participate in your lifestyle.  if it's so temporary, i prefer passion and lust.  which we (or at east I did) had at the beginning, but i got slapped down so often and 'denied' for sex that i ended up being like a kid who is smacked for reaching into the candy bowl too often, she ends up not wanting it, associating it with pain

Me:    besides, you had passion AND love for those people, so i'm missing something that i want and you want

SP:    The word "passion" has its root in suffering. Syn: {Passion}, {Feeling}, {Emotion}.
Usage: When any feeling or emotion completely masters the
mind, we call it a passion; as, a passion for music, dress, etc.; especially is anger (when thus extreme) called passion. The mind, in such cases is considered as having lost its self-control, and become the passive instrument of the feeling in question.

SP:    I prefer to be master of my mind.
SP:    And as for the word "love", you need to be able to read and understand "The Road Less Traveled"

Me:    stop trying to fuck with me and getting all above yourself.  you know completely what I mean. 
call it lust, then, if you want, but i have little or no lust for you anymore - "heart pounding can't keep my hands off you" stuff, and I miss it. 
I don't believe I ever had that feeling FROM you, but you clearly did for other people, mainly it seems those you couldn't have or control - kinda fits your passion definition. 
and because you think you are the master of your mind, those passionate feelings wont come thru, they surface as insecurity and jealousy thru the filters you have.
I just want some 'headiness' back in my/our lives.  we have both had it before with others, why can't WE have it is my question?

That was at Noon, 3.15pm and still no answer.  Is he mulling over the fact that I have no passion or lust for him anymore - that would really destroy him underneath, that I don't want or need him anymore, or is he thinking of a way to get out of this marriage if I don't want him?

When REALLY he should be thinking about how to get passion back in our lives.

I have a strong feeling to go be with someone and FEEL some of that passion I've been missing.  It won't fulfil me for long, but I'll enjoy the rush   But that's cheating and I don't want to do that.

So I'm all healed from my surgery and pretty much back to normal, just dealing with the scars, putting Vitamin E oil on them every day so they disappear quickly and nicely.

I trained for 2 days with my new job at the acupuncturist and on the 3rd day she asked me to be the 'model' for her new brochures, and padi me $60 for like 20 mins for it !   Cool.

SP has been a little strange... all these years I have whined that I want and need more affection from him, and he ignored me, or it lasted 2 days then when back to nothing... now every day he says he loves me, sometimes 3 or 4 times, that is UNHEARD of !!

At the weekend, he said it when we were about to go to sleep, and I didn't say it back (I don't always, not unless I really mean it in that moment) and he asked if I was still happy with him...??!!   I said of course, where did that come from (he NEVER asks questions like that, which make him seem insecure).  He said that sometimes he needs to hear it too.

It's just weird that he is like this all the time now, from virtually ignoring me and being very unloving, to almost stifling me with kisses and hugs and words of love.  Then LAST night,  he cuddled me and said "I love you, I'm lucky to have you "   Uhh.... you JUST realised that?? LOL

Oh and on the wedding anniversary card he gave me he put that he is lucky to have found me and loves me more and more each passing day.  Holy fuck.  Those words have NEVER come out of his mouth.  WHAT is going on??

Has he:

• finally realised what a great partner he really has?
• feeling insecure coz he 'found out' that me and Rob are in contact outside of his 'knowledge'?
• upto something of his own? (ie. cheating)

I hope it is one or both of the first two.  Maybe I should sneak a peek in his journal and see if I can find any clues there.

Or is it because I have a book "deal beakers, find out if your relationship is worth saving or it's time to move on" on the bedside shelf?

this is a copy of an email I sent to a bunch of people who were asking about me, it summarizes the last few days, so it was a good one to post:

i think i am because when i ran out today and my doc wont renew the script i became very agitated and "ill"  

I was having 2mg i/v in hospital but they only sent me out with 2mg tabs which lose 50-70% of the effectiveness in the acid stomach, funny how they didn't tell me that... so I was taking one and nothing was happening to improve the pain.

So I  took 2, crushed and snorted (suggested by a good friend !) and that worked for the pain, but no euphoria, which was ok coz I was in pain and not in it for the fun.   You crush them so they go quickly into your blood stream and dont have to wait an hour for them to dissolve inthe stomach - nothing 'bad' or illegal about it, just more time effective.

I found they only worked for a couple of hours tho then I became very relaxed (coz the pain had disappeared) but talkative.  Sometimes even going into another living world (while lying down on the bed) - not hallucinating, but just me in a different space in time, not like star trek, but just... next week or with different stuff around me.  I began to like this alot.  I was kinda like astral travelling, not trippy, but just .... wonderful.  And the BEST thing aboiut these pain meds is that they dont make me vomit or itch!  I have found my new heaven.

And at $16 for 30 of them, OMG how great is this??  Unfortunately they are more potent and illegal (without an rx) than morphine, so no chance of getting more if i wanted to explore the cool side of it.

 

 

 

On Sunday evening, SP and I were napping in bed and I could smell Rob's aftershave on him.... OMG it was naughty and sexy and delicious to smell the scent of another man on my husband.  It of course reminded me of Rob and all the lovely things he did to me (which SP never does!) so I was all over SP and we had sex a couple of times. 

I thought about Rob pretty much all day, he emailed too saying that he knew SP had gone commando on the way home Saturday, as Monday morning he found his underwear near the couch

I thought about how he touched and stroked me, not even in a sexual way, but how he stroked my arm, or neck or ran his fingers through my hair, held my hand and stroked my palm when we were 'resting'.  I was on my back alot of the time during our 'rest' periods, and he'd always put his hand on my stomach, as if to check I was breathing.

I asked him at one point during the session, what HE wanted, he just replied 'I'm enjoying the look on your face, right now' - as if nothing was more important than me.  WOW.  I've not had that kind of attention for many many years.   And it wasn't like it was convoluted... he wasn't trying to woo me, we'd already been intimate, and I'm married, and he wants 'no strings' - so I thought how lucky we were to have found such a sensitive and intelligent partner.

SP was quite aggressive that night, verbally and physically, as if he had to show he was in charge or something, but he had no problem with Rob paying me more attention than to him.  I think... but I was a little bombed on this and that

I found myself wanting to speak to him, smell him, touch him again, and even though we didn't have alot of physical chemistry (ie. he didn't make me cum, well neither of them did actually, but that's just me), I found that I was realizing how much I missed 'romantic' attention.

SP has acted VERY differently since that night.  He has been WAY more affectionate, telling me several times a day he loves me, lots of cuddles and even arm and face-stroking, which I ALWAYS bugged him to do, as I like it, and now, hey presto, he's doing it daily !

Of course, I know the reason, it's obvious that he paid great attention to what Rob did with me and how well I responded.  Finally he gets it??  Or he's jealous that another guy made me feel good?   Either way, I get the kind of touching I like, finally after 2 1/2 years !

SP did make it clear, though, that he didn't want to see Rob on a social basis as he thought the lines between social and sexual would get blurred and he didn't want anyone to have expectations of sex when we were just out socially.  That's a real shame as Rob had offered to teach us how to rollerblade, and we all share SUCH a similar mindset, that it's almost spooky.

Rob emailed again and said that he'd love to see us again, and not jsut for naughty stuff, that he loved the rapport we all had and would like to see us socially too.

I think SP is a little shocked how much I enjoyed myself, sees that Rob and I have alot in common like our country, the fact we know Europe and speak several European languages - maybe he is worried that I will get emotionally attached - and he may not be wrong !

I did tell SP that I felt guilty that I enjoyed myself and was honest with him that I was thinking about Saturday night when I was with him, and he said "but that's ok, you're still with me now, it's ok to enjoy yourself"

I think though if SP doesn't 'allow' us/me to see him socially, or often (like once a month?) that I will be tempted to see or contact him by myself.  I'm afraid of that as there is absolutely NOTHING to gain except the brief excitement that I'm doing something I should not.  After my surgery I will speak to my psychologist about that.  I think it's all normal thoughts, but I need some help to deal with those feelings I guess.

Well, so we finally met up with this guy, we had 2 possibles from a website for just this kind of thing... no strings attached sex/play/ whatever.  We met about 10pm at a lovely winebar with comfy leather sofas.

After looking at a few pictures of him online, he seemed nice looking but nothing fabulous... 41 and an ex-Brit !  Oh no, I thought, he's gonna be a wanker (coz I don't really know any 'cool' people back home that have a similar mind set to me anymore).  I was impressed however, that he didn't have any cock photos on display, which most of the sex website profiles do - sometimes as their main photo ! 

He was sitting at the bar looking a little nervous, he'd already admitted to only having been with another couple once or twice.  But I was hopped up on coke and a little tequila and strode in to the wine bar, straight upto him and said "hi you must be Rob?" big smile and kissed him on both cheeks (well he did live in France for 12 years)
Well - he was YUMMY !    Also very intelligent, well spoken, highly educated (Oxford no less!) and speaks 3 languages.  I was pretty smitten .  So we all talked for a couple of hours then he invited us back to his place, which surprised me in a way coz he was very no-sexual, not touchy or flattering anyone, not doing the whole pick-up thing, so I wasn't sure he was interested.

Anyway, back at his place he opened more wine, put candles on and we all settled on the sofa with me in the middle - oh by this point I had gone into the bathroom and added sexy (not slutty) crotchless knickers with suspenders/garters attached, and stockings, just to add to the already skin-tight dress and high heels I had on - for the boys' benefit of course, visual creatures that they are !

SP and Rob both started touching me, arms, neck, chest - SP started groping at Rob's crotch, which was already straining thru his pants (I'd already had a feel ) and SP pretty much took charge and undressed Rob on the couch

We all kissed a bit, then as things got friskier we moved into the bedroom.  OMG this guy had a high-rise condo in a swanky area, with a leather headboard and white silk sheets in this bedroom - he can't be wanting for pussy LOL !

I won't go on about the bedroom stuff, but we were there for about 4 hours, when I was pretty much the only one awake as I kept getting up to have a bump, in between fun and games.  Nothing too serious, but we all had a good time.

We got home about 5am and realised that SP had left his underwear behind

And as the reflexology clients are hardly banging down my door, I
might do it.

So, my wonderful acupuncturist Karen, who I've become very friendly
with lately as she's helping me with my pelvic pain issues, calls me
up this morning. She starts telling me about this new technology called the Relaxation Bed (here's the link of you want to check it out, it's a little
technical,
http://www.flodestressing.com/index_files/page0001.html)

... and says the medical researcher is coming to her place (she has
her own business) to train her and 2 other 'technicians' how to use
it. It's full on 2 day training and it will be the first 'bed' here
in Florida, they're mainly in PA and MA and the Netherlands.

So there was me thinking, as I'm so fu*ked up right now, that she
wants a guinea pig for it. Nope, she wonders if I want to train as
one of the technicians ! She says it's only $15-20 p/h (she knows I
get $60 for my reflexology, as she does for her acupuncture), but she
thought I might be interested as through all the talks we've had, she
knows I have a wide interest in alternative therapies and healing.

She said it would start at probably 2 days a week, then upto 30 hrs a
week when clients start getting interested.

Firstly I panicked... I haven't worked for anyone else for about 7
years, and never intended to, hence the reflexology. BUT, Karen is
way cool, and despite knowing all my medical issues, is willing to
employ ME...??!

So now I'm thinking that might be a way cool job, and SO in the right
'industry' to help me get reflexology clients too (she's already
recommended me to people for that).

I know generally that jobs here pay crappo to what I'm used to... for
instance, 'they' want me to have a business degree just to be a
secretary, when I have 14 years experience of not only being a
secretary, but a high-level personal executive assistant, office
manager, team of 30 supervisor blah blah, experience over education
doesn't seem to count here, and even if I DID have a Biz Degree, they
would still only pay me $12-14 ph I got paid $70 ph in the UK 10
years ago !

So, I'm guessing that for a 2-day trained 'technician' that $15-20 p/h
is not bad.... any thoughts on this?

Whaddya think? Should I go for it?? At what point do I mention that
I need 2 weeks off at the end of August for Burning Man hehhehe? Oh
and most fridays' off to travel to central florida for camping. Oh
and a week off for ski-ing or scuba diving?

 I don't want to screw up a good opportunity by being inflexible on
vacations. HELP !!

Well, they *say* permanent, but it's actually a 2 year conditional residency.  I have to apply again at the end of those 2 years, for a 10 year residency 

The interview was a piece of cake after all the horror stories I'd heard about the grilling they give you at immigration.... she didn't even ask how we met !!

I'd taken photos and emails we'd written in 2005/6, affidavits from friends to say we were a genuine couple, all the shit that immigration actually ask for.... but she didn't even ask for it, just stamped my passport and told me I'd get the card i about 2 weeks

I guess we had a better chance of not being grilled because I wasn't from a south American country... most there were of hispanic origin and couldn't speak english, which I guess is the norm in Miami. Although I thought they'd give us a hard time about the 23 year age difference.

But it was a breeze, so now i can actually travel outside the US again
! I

On the way back from Miami, I dropped into my doctors office to get a copy of my medical records, then we went to IHOP for lunch.  In the evening I was feeling bad, but we still managed to polish off a bottle of $40 champagne

Go read it, but I make $15 a day doing nothing except clicking on 15-30 ads 

yeah yeah, sounds like ALL those other scams, right?  But my g/f put me onto it, she has been trying to work from home, and has been through alot of the scams, but she has already got paid or I wouldn't have signed up for it.  Check it out:

Bux !

It doesn't cost anything to sign up or start earning, but it is quicker if you invest.  I've made $106 since Jan 10th.

I've had a REALLY stressful week dealing with wanky doctors and insurance peeps and retarded government employess, all in the name of health "care"

I had another doctors appointment, and now I have scheduled a vaginal hysterectomy for 29th Feb.  However, I'm not entirely happy with what he proposes, so I have another appointment with another doc on 6th Feb.

We started Spanish class last Thursday, so that is something to do and look forward to, although I missed last nights' class as I had a migraine from all this stress and no doubt I will miss 1 or 2 classes with my operation.

We also went to the Bodies exhibition at the weekend which was WAAAY cool and I've wanted to go for ages.

So next week is a busy one too, I have my immigration interview on 5th Feb, to get my green card for 2 years, the other doc on 6th, hairdresser on 7th, then 8/9/10th we are having soe people over for the weekend, and going to a show in Miami beach.

Since seeing the acupuncturist every week for 3 weeks, my pain from my pelvic area/ovaries etc is very much diminished, so I'm really happy about that.  Still, though, I get alot of unexplained pains that keep me awake at night

So I'd hardly had ANY pain at all this week, thanks to my acupuncture session and the chinese herbs she's given me, I was astounded, instead of pain every day, I barely noticed if I'd had any at all.

Today ai had an appointment with her again, and she also gave me another herb to try, Reishi mushroom for the immune system.  She said she had been really worried about me, and was delighted at my response to the therapy and herbs. 

I told her about the fact it looked like I had to have a hysterectomy and she said to avoid it at all costs, and to really look into other things, and that she'd try to manage my pain for me, coz then I really didn't need the operation, unless the growth was malignant, so I'm thinking of asking the surgeon on Monday if he can do an investigative laparoscopy, and take a biopsy to see what the growth is, and how extensive the endometriosis is.

So I was having a positive and pain-free day, until the evening when I developed a new pain in my lower back and side, which kept me awake most of the night

ah well, good news and bad news, and alot of it.  I went to see a gynecologist today, to finally get the ball rolling with my endometriosis (endo) and how to fix it.

GREAT dr.  really nice.  but he doesn't do surgery anymore so had to refer me to a specialist. told me i had endo b4 he even examined me, said what i described was classic endo.

After the exam, said i have an abnormally shaped uterus and i have a growth on it which may or may not be cancerous, called adenomyosis. in any case he strongly suggests a hysterectomy, which they CANNOT do thru the vagina as the surgeon also has to check for endo around the bladder, intestines, bowel etc

Er... so i have to get a pregnancy test in case this growth he felt was a baby in a weird place,  a pelvic ultrasound, bloodwork for  vitamin d level, mammogram and go visit a genetic specialist, but I declined the mammogram as I've already had 2 breast thermography tests, which are more sensitive than mammograms, but of course the mainstream medical industry wont accept thost test because it's new technology. 

I also declined the genetic thing, it's only because my mum has breast cancer, and they want to test for the BRCA gene, some people have their breasts lopped off just IF the have the gene, in CASE they get breast cancer, how ridiculous  !  I'm not doing that, so a positive BRCA genetic test wont make any difference to me, so I'm not wasting the money.  If I get breast cancer, I get breast cancer, THEN I will have them removed and replace them with more fake boobs !

So the question now is whether or not my insurance company will approve this surgery, I bet they will try and make out that it's a pre-existing condition, after all, we all now that they deny most 1st claims anyway.

If they DO deny it then I will most likely go to Cuba to have it done, then at least I can request a plastic surgeon to sew up my big hysterectomy scar, for probably like another $100 instead of the thousands it would cost me to request that in the USA.

The only problem with cuba now I have to have a hysterectomy rather than the less invasive laparoscopy (1" cut under the belly button) is that I will have to be there probably 2 weeks+ instead of a week for recovery and SP won't be able to take all that time off work, but we'll just have to see.

We have to see what this surgeon says on Monday and then see if the insurance will cover it, and what they will charge for a plastic surgeon to sew me up (coz I know the Insurance wont cover that) and then see how much it is in Cuba and go from there.  What a pain !  At least I know what's wrong with me now tho.

The doc said that this growth in my uterus is undoubtedly the cause of all my gas, bloating and weight gain, can't wait to get rid of it then !

I've been very depressed since monday.  I had a shit time at the gynecologist, which gave me a migraine, then I had to go to the Psych with SP again, and that wasn't productive and we argued again, and my endometriosis pain is outrageously bad too.

So we got home about 6pm from the Psych and I went and slept in the van as I couldn't stand the noise from SP running on the treadmill, as my migraine was so bad.

I dont think he even noticed I wasn't around, as he never even came to look for me.

I have several good reasons to be very depressed, which I wanted SP to ask about, when I told him I didn't want to live anymore, but he ignored me:

1.   i have pain almost every day of my life an no-one seems to want to help me fix it
2.   I have no confidence in my own ability to do a job which I am trained for
3.   The man I love and want to be with, wants to be intimate with other people, so why am I here?

One of the first things he said to the therapist, was that if he didn't have a 'map' of the future for a marriage that HE wanted, then he would be divorcing me.  WOW .

So we went over all the bullshit about strip clubs and who is allowed where, and of course he 'won' or if I had not agreed to his terms, he would have been filing for divorce right now.

Although, let me say this - as our pre-nup says that he has to pay me $50K if he divorces me within the first 5 years, I find it really hard to believe that he would be willing to pay that, just to be out of a marriage where he was getting laid plenty, but he was whining coz he wasn't fucking OTHER people.  So...

• he'd shoot himself in the foot,
  
• pay me $50,000
  
• and be without a partner and someone to have sex with at home,
  
• and he wouldn't be able to swing either, as you have to have a partner to do that, so he wouldn't be getting any sex at all ! 
  

Doesn't make sense to me that he'd want to do that.  Maybe i'll bring it up sometime, as I'm really curious about that.

Also, a few days ago, he said that whatever happens, he will still see my thru getting my green card, well that CAN"T happen if he divorces me right now, so was he lying?

So anyway, it turns out, pretty much, that because HE wasn't swinging (which is actually untrue coz we did when we were ski-ing in california, with a male friend of ours, so that is a lie), he thought that Zander would be benefitting from seeing me with other girls (friends, not the strippers) and petting on them at this strip club party, and that he felt left out.

He made this big deal about not getting what he wanted from the marriage and that he wanted a divorce if he wasn't going to get what he wants.  I told him that I'd agreed to meet people to swing with, AS LONG AS I was attracted to them, and that I wasn't going to be sexual with people I didn't find attractive.  I said did he have a time limit on that because it wasn't MY fault that HE didn't have the time to sit down and write to people and connect with them to meet up !

So basically here was the problem - he wants to fuck other people (with me there, joining in) or he wants a divorce, otherwise he feels used as he is providing for me, looking after me when I'm sick and apparently he is getting nothing in return.

Well the psych laid into him somewhat for using the 'divorce' word, she said it should never be used until it was actually underway, and NOT when he was just making threats with it.

In the meantime in the session, I had told him that I was very upset that he'd mention divorce before we'd even seen a therapist, and that if he was trying to use it as a threat, then I wasn't threatened by t, but also could not live with it if he keeps saying that one day, and being all lovey the next as it was making me ill.

It ended up that he still said he felt very raw about the whole situation and that while he'd not made his mind up (even though i'd already agreed months ago that we'd be more diligent about contacting people to swing with !) he would think about things.

Before next monday, we are supposed to compile a list of 'allowed behaviours' outside of the company of each other.

I guess we still have to deal with trust issues, and I'm dying to know how I'm supposed to trust him, when he is trying to force me to sign a post-nuptual agreement, in a big hurry, like before the end of January ie. before my immigration interview.

So after his big blow up last night, he got out the whisky again (oh god no, not another man I've driven to drink!  ) and a cigar and sat in the yard for like an hour, brooding I assume.

When he came back in, stinking of booze and cigars, I went to him in the office and asked if he wanted to watch this movie with me about brazil.  H just grunted.  I said 'are you just going to grunt at me from now on?'  He nodded yes.  OK then, I said.

About an hour later he was still sitting staring at his computer screen, and i went over put my hand on his shoulder and kissed the back of his neck and said 'don't worry, we'll fix it.'  He mumbled "oh i don't think so'.  GREAT

So I said 'listen, I've been in therapy for over 2 years to deal with all the problems I had with you, so you can at least do me the courtesy of seeing a therapist before you start talking about divorce'.  and I left the room.  He went to bed later, and I went about 1am but he was snoring so I went back in the lounge and slept on the couch.

This morning he had that same mood about him, I was hoping that he would have mellowed out some, but clearly not, so no I'm just waiting for our 1.30 appointment with the psych.  More later, I guess.

On tuesday 8^th january in the evening, he told me that at 3am this morning he could see no resolution to this current argument (that I'm not allowed to go to strip clubs..?? come ON !!) and that divorce was on the horizon.

This conversation came up because he had the financial affidavit put on my desk for me to fill in as part of our post-nuptual agreement. I asked why the hurry on the post-nup and asked if it was because my immigration interview was in 3 weeks time, and if so, what did that mean? He tried to avoid answering me directly, by saying it had just been left too long and that now it was time, but when I said it seemed to coincide with our current argument and my immigration interview coming up, he told me the above, about his 3am realisation that he could find no solution to our quarrels and that our relationship was most likely over. Hence he is trying to protect his ass, for when he planned to divorce me. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

I was incredulous and asked if he was really considering divorcing me just because we couldn't agree on me accepting an invitation or not (or words to that effect). I told him that that is why we were going to see Deb, to resolve things, and I was astounded that he already had divorce in his mind because he was pissed at an invitation, and all that he thought went along with that invitation from Zander, and that he should resolve his anger with Zander, as it was really Zander he was angry with and not me.

He blew through the roof yelling at shouting at me that I should have left things alone (but wait, I thought we were trying to resolve this??) and that it really was ME he was angry with and not Zander, so in fact he has been lying to me all along, which I kind of suspected because if he was truly only angry with Zander for disrespecting him, then why did he not have it out with Zander instead of constantly being nasty and rude and hurtful towards me?

I kept calm and said that I knew it wasn't resolved and that is why we were going to see Deb, and he yelled NO we are now going to see deb to find out why you are defending Zander. I said 3, 4 or 5 times that I was not defending Zander and I never had a reason to, and that I had tried to understand during this past week why he was so upset with this invitation. He yelled AGAIN that I WAS defending Zander and would not let that go, slamming things around the house for 5 or 10 minutes with fury on his face.

To me it seems that he is and always was somehow jealous of Zander, despite the fact that I have said time and time again over the years that I am not interested in him sexually at all, and that if I were, I would have told him, like I have told him of others I find attractive. I don't know how to help him deal with his jealousy of Zander, apart from to never see Zander again, which seems unfair, but something I am willing to do in order to quell his fears.

It doesn't seem fair, as he parades his exes around me very often, (I've never done that) and I have to deal with it, and I do. However when he gets it in his head that I want someone, when in fact I don't, all hell breaks loose. I have been in therapy for 2 years to deal with his intimate relationships with other people and his craving to be sexual with other people and how that affects me, but when he has a problem with ME, he is already considering divorce before we've even seen a therapist??

However when he gets it in his head that I want someone, when in fact I don't, all hell breaks loose. I cannot be responsible for how he feels (just as he tells me the same) and neither do I know how to help him. I strongly have suggested to him that he call Zander and deal with whatever issues or insecurities he has, and have it over with so I don't get the brunt of his anger which is incorrectly aimed at me. I currently feel punished for being the recipient of an invitation by Zander. And of course I am stunned that SP would be thinking of divorce over my apparent inability to see his point of view. I would never consider divorce if he was unable to see my point of view.

I am at a loss with his anger and hostility towards me, which he seems to turn on and off like a tap. Just an hour ago he was touchy-feely, and now I learn that he kept his feelings about divorce from me?

It started on New Years Eve, I'll put a bit here of how it initially started, from some notes I made.  But as of today, we have had a week of deep flighting, we are unable to talk to each other as we rip each others head's off with 'words', so there have been a daily and nightly barrage of emails going back and forth, which are SO complex it's not even possible for me to paste them here as the reader would have trouble making sense of his convoluted arguments.
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The whole weekend was great apart from NYE after midnight he came up to me and asked if we could go somewhere private, I said sure, and he kept asking why i didn't want to be with him and i kept looking straight thru him and walking away even though he knew I'd seen him... ?? !! huh?  He said he was paranoid that I didn't want to be around him and i was always going off with other people. I said, it WAS paranoid, and so unlike him, so maybe it was the pot, but then I remembered he'd done / said something similar at The november camping weekend..

I said i'd asked him a few times if he wanted to go here or there or come with me to talk to whoever, but he'd either not heard me, or was too tied up in his own conversation to listen so I just went by myself sometimes. I said that I was annoyed he felt like i was ignoring him because he has always disliked ME following HIM around like a puppy, and encouraged me to go find my own friends, yet when I do it (what he suggested, and what he ALWAYS does), he gets jealous and paranoid. When I alluded to the puppy following thing, he said 'dont you want me to follow you?” I said no, it is stifling,. Just how you hate it when i do it to you. He got pretty upset and couldn't see how it was one rule for me (stay close or he'll get paranoid) and one rule for him (he'll do what he likes when he likes with whom and stuff me if i don't like it).

It got to fever point later, when we'd all gone to bed, and i put a stop to it and said we'd ask Deb (the psych) her opinion, he whined and said 'well as long as you remember the conversation, coz I dont want to forget it'. I don't want to go to the next party or weekend away, in case he brings this up again, it's SO UNFAIR. He can't understand that he does EXACTLY what I was doing – HIS OWN THING – but when I do it, automatically I don't want to be with him?? How does he think I've felt for 2 years??

I reminded him of the time we came in at 1am from a night out and he wanted to go to a naked hot tub party at amy's, i said i didn't want to go as i'd rather spend the rest of the night with him, he said that he didn't and so was going to amy's without me. I said that was a classic example of me wanting to be with him, and him going off and doing something else entirely. So then he said 'oh so you're still punishing me for that night?” Who the fuck said anything about punishing?? He brings up that word often and i don't see how he applies that word to what i'm supposedly doing (the SAME as him, finding my own friends and enjoying myself..?)

How on earth would he feel if i said I was dissing him and blowing him off to go jump in a hot-tub full of naked 20-something guys, (no other women present), 10 miles away, with guys I all fancied and were hot?? He would have thrown a fucking fit. So how come I can't move 50 feet away, IN HIS SIGHT, and TALK to someone else. CLOTHED.??

3^rd January

Is he FUCKING serious?? We just had an almighty fight in the car. A mutual guy friend, Zander, called to say we were invited to his birthday on Fri 11^th and that on saturday Zander and Eddie were going to a Miami strip club and inviting all the girls to join them and that they would provide the party favours, but that NO other guys were allowed to come at all. It was his and Eddie's birthday and his g/f  and eddie's g/f (live in partner of 10 years) were going as well as a bunch of other girls and would I like to come. I said that sounded like a blast and I'd pencil it in.

So I got off the phone and relayed all this to SP, he said oh Zander and Eddie (our good friends, remember) want all the girls to themselves? I said yeah, why not, it's their birthdays?! Thinking that if say 2 of our female friends had a birthday and wanted all the  guys there, but no other girls, I'd be cool with that.

He started on about how I was breaking the rules we'd set and that I had a different idea of what our 'rules' meant. I asked what swinging had to do with being invited to a birthday party with 10 girls and 2 birthday guys. He went on about the fact that I'd spoken to Eddie (ages ago) about sex and our fantasies we had about him and his g/f, and that he didn't like that, I said yes, but we discussed that and we fixed it so why are you now bringing it up? He said that was just the start of it and that I did stuff at New Years that didn't include him and I had broken our agreement, I said how's that? He said when he 'found' me and 2 other girls and Zander in Jazzie's tent, 'touching' each other...  Znader's g/f Leanne was there LOL  !  how bad can it be??

Well, as I'd told him at the time, me and jazzy were talking privately about her issues, when Zander and his g/f Leanne barged in and plopped themselves down in between me and Jazz, and we all kinda held each others hands or arms and that I didn't invite them in to jazzy's tent, so how could it be my doing, and neither did jazzy, and besides, there was nothing sexual going on. Incidentally, when SP joined us and I started to touch SP (leg, arm, again nothing sexual), he pushed MY arm away and placed it on the girls' arms and legs. I could hear him heavy breathing and he was obviously excited, so now why the problem with it??

He kept going on about that I was punishing him for going in Amy's hot tub and touching her 'hip' (actually, her ass crack) and that now I wanted to do that same thing (uh.. no... where did you get THAT from??) I was USING his past indiscretions against him, when he said that we'd come to our 'agreement' AFTER he'd touched Amy's 'hip' and that he'd never done that again. Not her hip, no, or her ass crack, but many times he has come up behind her and thrust himself up against her ass, and she too had been gyrating on his knee many times. But I'd put all that in the past, purely bringing it up to point out that how come HE can do THOSE intimate things, yet I can't talk to people about stuff or be around other people without him?

I know he's insecure and for some reason doesn't trust me, so I pointed out AGAIN that I have NEVER wanted to be with other people, am very happy being monogamous and NEVER EVER touching other people, but that I had changed in order to be with him and because I love him, and that now I was becoming a little more comfortable with the idea, why was he having a problem with it because I thought that's what he wanted all along??

I'm so SICK of his double-standards bullshit. Then he made out that it was HIS idea to get this issue moderated by Deb (in fact we argued about this on NYE, as stated above, and I stopped it and said I wanted it to be moderated by Deb...) - why does he always change things around to make out he is making the effort to improve this?

I yelled at him out of complete frustration as he kept saying 'why are you doing this, why are you being like this...?' and I yelled that I hadn't done ANYTHING and had not broken any rules. Then he makes a big fuss about the fact that I yelled at him, saying that it must mean something big, in order for me to yell, and what did that mean, what did I want so badly or was fighting for/against so badly. He always reads stuff into it that doesn't exist, like this 'punishing' idea or he says 'oh so you want to do THAT then...' when I never said anything or indicated anything of the sort ! He's making things up that he imagines I want to do, in his own head and is projecting them.

So it was silence all the way home, and we just get into the drive, and he pats me condescendingly on the knee and says 'honneeee... let's get this moderated by Deb, I love you and I don't want this space between us so let's forget it until we see Deb, ok?” Is he FUCKING KIDDING??? I said nothing so he was moody and said 'huh, I guess not then' so I said I couldn't just turn off my feelings like that. He mumbled something about not being able to either. I stomped in the house and he left.

It's times like this that I want to run away. I dont' want to be near him or around him or see or speak to him. It eats me up inside that he can be so contrary and just brings things up when it suits him.

Now if we'd ALL started off in the tent together, he'd be delighted, but if I'd not been into touching anyone, he would have been pissed and gone on about why aren't I more open and loving and touchy , yet when I AM, he has a problem with it, so I am just stuck in the middle not knowing who I'm allowed to talk to or hug and when to do it, incase I do the wrong thing in his eyes.

My personal response to his big blow up... I sent him some of this in an email:

When I don't touch people or let them touch me, I get whined at for not being open and available. When I DO let people touch me, I get whined at for breaking our agreement  !!! How am I supposed to know what's ok?? IT'S SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING.

That's a BIG fucking reason in MY mind to NEVER EVER do this kind of thing or participate in this lifestyle. You – or someone – gets jealous and insecure at some point, and this is what happens. You BLAME me for being exactly how you encouraged me to be, and made it clear we couldn't have a relationship UNLESS I was like that. But now i am coming to terms with it and being more touchy-feely, JUST HOW YOU WANTED, it's suddenly a problem for you?

Your words today have made me feel frustrated and angry and upset, full of despair and loneliness, said words to me that tell me you don't trust me and that I am somehow being unfaithful to you. I'M NOT THE ONE WHO WANTS TO BE WITH OTHER PEOPLE. Just because I'm getting more attention than you right now (which I always will) is NOT my problem but yours. If you pick an attractive woman to be with and then force/encourage her to be like that, you have to expect that at some point you won't like it. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I'm being all the things you want, and still it's not good enough for you.

I don't ENJOY being touched by other people. Mostly I just feel numb when someone else touches me sexually, or even just lovingly, because I'm not tuned into that feeling that it's ok to be like that with other people when you're in a relationship. I felt nothing with APJ when he was touching and licking me. I was making 'nice' noises so you two would get off; I'm a people pleaser. I didn't hate it, but also it didn't turn me on either. I felt nothing when other people were squeezing my tits in the hot tub, some admiration, sure, but nothing pleasant, nice or sexual at all. But sometimes when others touch me I downright HATE it, I can't stand it, it makes me feel disgusting and used and like a toy, like a whore. If I wasn't drunk at those times I would most likely smack people off me and run away. I HATE IT THAT MUCH SOMETIMES.

SP was really stoned most of the weekend, and he was really needy.  he claimed I kept disappearing for hours and why didn't I want to be with him.

I NEVER complain when he wanders off and hangs around with other people, but the moment I do it, he says I'm trying to get away from him and don't want to be in his company.  there were plenty of people there who are his friends and would love to spend time with him, and I had a couple of friends too that I wanted to catch up with. 

At one point he came crashing into a tent that me and another friend were in, complaining that I was taking coke and that it was time for bed.  I said ' you can go to bed if you like, but I'm having a good time'. 

He was grabby and clingy, maybe because he was on mushrooms, and I don't mind looking after anyone if they're having an intense trip, but I was ready for bed another night, but he was tripping so couldn't go to bed, so I said plenty of other people would look after him, but he said it wanted it to be me.  I said I always am there for him and always do what he wants, when he wants, now I need to take some time for myself, to honour myself and what my body feels like doing. 

He seemed to understand that, but I know he will only remember that the way he perceived it in a stoned way, so I'll get accused of abandoning him no doubt.

Maybe I just should have said there and then, no I don't want to be around you 24/7, this is MY time to meet new people and have a different time, without having to follow you around.  But I'm too nice to do that.  Anyway, he's s dense sometimes, why would he think that I wanted to be with a person who RESENTS being in a relationship with me?

So I got no reply to the email I sent back to him yesterday, saying I considered his actions to be blackmail.  He didn't even acknowledge that he got the email... maybe he didn't??

So my guts had been sick all day Monday, with worry I suspect, so I had the shits most of the day, and I was lying down in the lounge with the door closed when he came home at 6pm.  He didn't come in and see me, but went straight out jogging for an hour without saying a word.  I presumed he was pissy with me.

I saw him later and he acted like nothing had happened - that seems to be a pattern.  I don't know whether this means he agreed or was ok with the email, or if he was just sick of fighting, and chose to ignore the situation.

In fact he was pretty cuddly with me, which is something I often complain is lacking in our relationship.... little things like, nuzzling my neck or stroking my face - affection - that I have told him I love, and he does it sometimes for maybe a day, then forgets again.  He's been doing it for a couple of days.

Yesterday we went to lunch coz we had to drop the Porsche off at the service place, and he was pretty much all over me in the line for a seat at the BBQ place.  That was great, but I still wonder how genuine it is.

So, quite cuddly in bed, hand-holding and all that.  But no effort at sex or other intimacy, no words that he loves me or that everything will be ok and that he was just angry... so I think he's just 'making nice' so I don't sulk and make his life hell for treating me this way. 

It would be SOO easy to think everything is ok, but I know this will come up again and again, so I am very hurt, very skeptical of his motives etc.  I read in his journal from years ago that "I know how to please women when I want to" - from that I take it he means he knows all the right things to say and do to make them feel loved and secure, to lull them into a subordinate manner.

I WANT to speak to him about it, to 'finish it off' but also of course I don't want to rock the boat as we're gong away this weekend and there is nothing worse than a 4 hour road trip where no-one speaks.

I think about leaving his sorry ass, but then I look around me at all the memories we have together - it's hard to describe - but I couldn't leave all that.  We have alot of 'joint' stuff, like photos and memorabilia from trips, so many things - it would be impossible to split that up and have it mean the same thing.

So I'm still hurt and confused, and this weekend I intend to spend as much time with other people as I can - and make sure he sees I am getting attention from other people.  Sure it might cause his jealousy and an argument, but really, he can't argue about flirting or being around other people, as it's EXACTLY what he does.  Looks like it's come to this... "look what I can do and who I can attract !  OH you dont LIKE it???  Well you do it, so tough shit!"

What he wrote to me on Monday:

You misquoted me this morning, so I imagine you were up all night stewing over something I didn't actually say. What you heard was that I was "bored with you" but what I really said was that I was bored with our relationship - I didn't say "you".

I am carrying an awful lot of burden and stress for having a partner and I'm not getting what I expected in terms of a sexual relationship. So naturally, I don't feel like the relationship serves me. If I've been distracted it is because I probably resent being in such a relationship.
And no, I hadn't really figured out exactly what it was until last week or I would have said something.

My reply:

as i said last night, it's not my fault you're not getting what you want; it's neither of ours.  WE said months ago that WE'd be more diligent finding someone, and neither of us have, so *I* resent you implying it's my fault. 

As it happens, I'm not getting what I want either, sexually or emotionally (as you have withdrawn on both counts, perhaps in an effort to 'punish' me for not being proactive about finding a sex partner?) - haven't done for months, that's one of the reasons we went to therapy isn't it?  I spoke up about it and told you what I needed.  Didn't help.

You seem very focused on what YOU want, your sexual needs, your sexual desires - which is fine to a degree, however how about my sexual needs?  What about OURS?  You used to care whether or not I enjoyed myself in bed - now I sometimes just feel used.  A marriage is a partnership and we should be working at what we BOTH want, not how hard-done-by you feel; we're together in this and I intend it to remain that way and to improve in leaps and bounds, but you need to play ball with me - I can't catch if I don't know you're throwing - and not withdraw from me and sulk in some corner of your mind that I don't know about. 

TELL me what's wrong and we'll try and fix it together.  That's the kind of marriage I want - something positive, sharing, loving and caring and compassionate, not critical and blaming and selfish.

You've known what's wrong for a week yet didn't mention it, and probably never would have until you deemed it too late, had I not said something last night.  Not communicating with me about YOUR feelings doesn't help either of us.

Like I said last night, and in my vows and in yours, I want to make this work, always have, (and it's nothing to do with a green card - I'd give it up in a HEARTBEAT if we could just work this out) but you don't seem committed in the least, often threatening divorce or trying to hang a green card over my head.  Sounds a little like blackmail to me, and I do not appreciate that in the least.

So there's a few things I was thinking about, in light of the blackmail situation....

I don't really want to leave, but will not put up with blackmail.

If he wants to talk about it (doubtful) then I will either say I don't want to talk with him about it until I've sought legal advice - he's gonna say what legal advice, and I'll reply 'about you blackmailing me, using sex for my immigration status/divorce threats' - he won't like that, but I feel REALLY BAD that he's treating me this way, why should I put up with it??

Or I could say, well if you want me to do that, something I won't enjoy, then I want to be able to have affairs with people - WITHOUT YOU - he will say why coz I said i wasn't interested in sex with other people, and I will tell him it's for the affection and attention, which I don't get from him, so being with someone else is the only way I can be happy and get what I want emotionally from a relationship.  He wants the sex with others, I want the emotional side.  I can get sex from anyone, who cares about that??

If he's unable to provide me with the passion and emotional needs I have, then I shall get it elsewhere, just like he wants sex elsewhere.  Sounds fair to me.