Aah so it's one of THOSE posts. Last night SP informed me that he wasn't getting enough sex and didn't want to be in a marriage like that, and said that getting 'outside sex' (ie. With another person, which I told him nearly a YEAR ago that he could do) would not make a crappy sex-life better.

I said we didn't have a crappy sex life, and that it was great when we DID have sex, but hey... I'm only 6 weeks out of 2 major surgeries, gimmie a break on THAT for a start.

I told him I loved sex with him, didn't want sex with other people, know the 'grass isn't 'greener' and that not having enough sex is a shitty and immature reason for getting a divorce.

Lately (3 months?) he has been feeling very insecure and 'un-loved' because he is approaching the big SIX-OH this year and is always complaining about age-related things... that *I* think he's not attractive anymore, that I don't care for him anymore – all stuff that is totally in his head because we're not as physically close as we were before. I can't imagine ANYONE wanting to be physically close in a sexual manner at least, after having their genital bits and pieces poked around with during pretty brutal surgeries.

On that note, we had sex less than SEVEN DAYS after my surgeries. They recommend waiting at least TEN days. When HE had surgery, I had to wait TWO WEEKS before he wanted sex, so go figure that one out. Did I complain? Did I say I didn't want to be married anymore? No – of course not, that would be ridiculous.

Also, he's been chatting up this dental office manager where we go for our dentist appointments, and in December he got a date with her. Incidentally, this was on the night I got HOME FROM HOSPITAL after major surgery. She ended up being a no-show, claiming she'd lost his number, and he came home SOOO drunk at 4am that I had to baby-sit him throwing up in the bathroom all night long, whereas I could barely move or stand by myself, as I'd JUST GOT OUT OF HOSPITAL THAT DAY. OMG. Now I read back on that, that was a really shitty thing he did.

Anyway, just last week he called her again to ask her for drinks/dancing and she said yeah great, can't wait etc, then blew him off AGAIN. No call or anything until 4 days later when she said she'd not felt very well that evening. What, so she couldn't call to cancel their date?? He made out that it didn't matter to him, and kind of is in denial about being blown off, but seriously, she's like 26 and a hot hispanic. So that hasn't helped his ego situation.

The idea behind getting a date with Anna (not her real name) was to see if she would be interested in a 3-some with us, just to explain that I was cool with him taking out another chick.

So lately anyway he's been accusing me of all sorts of things...not caring about him anymore, saying that I'm only 'allowing' him to be with other women coz I want to be with other men all the time (not true), and that I will get far more sex than him coz I'm young and attractive and he will feel used. I told him time and time again that I am not interested in having ANY more notches on MY bedpost, and that he is projecting what HE really wants onto me, to cover up the fact that he is insecure.

I'm not like him in that sexual way. Sure maybe 2 or 3 times since we've been together (nearly 4 years) have I thought that I'd like to be intimate with another guy. A lot of guys are cute, but when or rather IF) I have those thoughts, it'd just be crappy sex – it takes a person a LONG time to get to know my body and what I like, so what would be the point in training someone new LOL ? Not interested. A kiss and a feel-up might be nice, but that's it. And he does that all the time at our weekends away anyhow ! I don't complain about it.

Basically he's whining (again) that he's not getting what HE wants out of this marriage, we dont have sex, I dont help around the house blah blah. I can't help him getting older and insecure about his looks or whatever his real issue is.

I also asked him last night, what happened to the multiple conversations we've had – that he instigated – that he said I was the ONLY person EVER that he'd been this emotionally close to and had shared experiences with and that it was amazing and our relationship had become WAY more than he ever could have hoped for or expected, and how lucky he was to be with me. He said 'well... yeah, but you don't care about me anymore, don't look after me when I'm having a bad trip (like when??)' Hmm, and those imagined thoughts outweigh this 'amazing relationship' he has with me and has NEVER had before? Seems like an excuse for something but I can't figure it out.

So this is my early morning depression kicking in.... I signed a pre-nup to say I am entitled to NOTHING, I have no job (I am actually currently trying and have been for a few weeks), no savings, NOTHING at all to get me on my feet should he actually divorce me. Go back to the UK and live off the social?? No way, I'd seriously rather die. 3 days ago I again thought of the ways I could kill myself. SP says that suicide is always a way to 'get back at someone; - like revenge or something. Whatever happened to feeling that life is a dead end, and without your partner (sex or not!) life ISN'T worth living for me?

Of course, just to stick the boot in, he has to bring this up the day before I have an interview for a volunteer job (that could turn into paid) – like he knows I will be in a bad mood all of the next day, almost like he's sabotaging my 'going to work', but at the same time complaining that he is supporting me financially and that we're broke. I told HIM to go see a therapist. I've done it for 3 years, now it's his turn.

So it's been a waaay long time since I've written;

In brief, SP had shoulder surgery and I almost did too for the exact same complaint, but my MRI's weren't as bad as his. His recovery and physical therapy was LONG and painful , so I'm very glad I didn't have to have the same surgery for a torn rotator cuff; mine was just 'inflamed'.

However, I personally had 2 more surgeries to remove my right fallopian tube and ovary, in December, which was a total nightmare from which I'm only just getting better. So now we know that the pain I was having abdominally was not due to endometriosis or anything to do with having my hysterectomy in Feb '08.

BUUUTT Humana, the complete cunts , decided in December to NOT pay for ANY of those surgeries or consultations or blood work or anything, saying it was a pre-existing condition, so now we have to go to court and sue them for retracting the money from the hospitals. So I owe like $90,000.

I was going to declare bankruptcy as I have no credit here anyway, so it wouldn't matter one bit to me, but even if I do that... or even if SP and I divorce (like on purpose and only for this financial reason), SP would STILL be liable for all my medical debts as he 'sponsored' me to come into the country.  THe ONLY way he isn't responsible is if I give up my Residency here and move out of the country !   How ridiculous.

We went to Mexico with 15 friends for New Years which was a blast and I had the 'trip' of a lifetime   It was also a nice way to recuperate a little from my surgeries.

So I never did meet up with that guy at the drumming. He texted me about 10 mins after we had left, and asked where I was ! How we missed each other at such a small gathering I will never know...

SP had surgery last week, and it went fine but his shoulder was really messed up, so he's been in alot of pain; it's actually been nice having him at home relying on me though, I've enjoyed looking after him. Makes me 'do' things that I otherwise would procrastinate on.

Last Sunday we went to an animal shelter as I wanted to be a 'foster parent' for a dog until they got a real permanent home, so there was more room for 'new' dogs to be taken at the shelters. We picked an old beagle who is partially blind and deaf, as he only needed a home for a week. I thought this would cure me of wanting a dog full time - I actually didn't think that, but was trying to kid myself that was so - but actually is HAS cured me of wanting a dog !! This dog barks and whines constantly, wont eat dog food, has diarrhea, is stubborn as hell, and expects to be walked every hour !! How he would have got on in a shelter, god knows 

He's supposed to be going back to his owner this weekend - it really put a damper on our lifestyle as we can't leave him because of the barking, and he wrecks the place - pulls the table cloth off the dining room table, with all the stuff on it, candles, salt & pepper pots (broken), papers etc.  So I didn't go to Yoga on Monday, a couch-surfing pancake thing on Tuesday, or a friend's potluck on wednesday ! Not that I really wanted to go to any of them anyhow, and used the dog as an excuse.

Anyhoo, so I thought things would be great with a dog that i've wanted for so long. But I'm just pissed off.

SP was hinting (maybe?) about internet and phone security saying how easy it is to hack into someone's system and nothing is really secure... so I didn't know if he was suggesting that he can see everything I do on the pc and the phone (texting), or if he was 'just' talking...? He also said today that I am living my life in fear... I KNOW that, why is he telling me? Because he knows there are things I fear telling him... and somehow he knows this? (computer spying?)

So I've felt a bit weird, moody, not wanting to socialize, avoiding people and situations.... AGAIN !! WTF is up with that?

I had got really excited the other day , I think it was just before the weekend, somehow I'd got onto Youtube and was looking at all the makeup and false eyelashes tutorials... I can't even remember how I got there, but I was addicted for a couple of days, and even went out and bought new makeup and lashes and tried out a few looks !

But suddenly now I am bored again, not happy with a dog, not wanting to go to parties with new people around, not being interested in my new reflexology client... dreading when she comes round, not wanting to go to physical therapy to get my shoulder better... I don't know what's going on.

I got sleeping pills from my new doctor - he seems really nice, and listens to me... they didn't' work all that well though, even though they are my favourites, Restoril. In fact I haven't slept well since SP had his surgery, he awakes often and in pain and I have to load up his cryotherapy ice-machine for his shoulder as he can't carry anything - which I don't mind, but it doesn't make for a good night's sleep. I've been getting up early too (well, about 9am - early for me!) as he needs me to do stuff.

We haven't had sex for 9 days, which I guess isn't unusual after surgery, his pain is distracting for him, and he can't do a whole lot with only one arm, and I'm not horny or anything, just that it had crossed my mind why he hadn't asked...

I was chatting to this guy I vaguely know, text messaging last night, after he texted me to tell me about this drum circle tonight.  Last time I saw him was about 2 years ago I guess, and I was sitting on his knee chatting to him.  He's kinda sexy, in that long-haired-moody "i read tarot cards" kinda way  - there was a bit of chemistry (or was it liquor??) at the time, but nothing happened, I was with SP and he was with someone too.

Anyway, I originally didn't know who was texting me, as I didn't have his number, so I asked, and he told me his name and who he got my number from as he'd lost it.  Said where we'd met and that he'd fallen hard for me !!

I said "oh sure... not so hard that you lost my number and it's taken you years to get back in touch !".  He said that I was with SP, and he was with someone too, but that all he wanted to do when I was sitting on his knee, and our respective partners were being jealous, was throw me against a wall and molest me !  Oooh, he's speaking my language

Then I said he should have taken the opportunity before I got married, and he went on to say how he could never understand my decision to be with and marry SP - he referred to us as 'the Faerie Princess and the Gnome' .  I presume he was calling SP the 'gnome' !  Wow, that's pretty mean.  I guess he doesn't know SP very well to understand why I'd be with him.

Anyhoo, I thought that was kinda weird, so I wrote it down

Why is it, that some of the guys I fancied back then, NOW tell me that they wanted me too.... now I'm frikkin married and can't go messing around !??!   NO FAIR !

Anyway, so I guess I'll see him later.  Hmm, now we have that out in the open, it should be an interesting conversation !

So Friday night there was some big shin-dig at a local bar on the beach for Talk Like A Pirate Day; we managed to get together some costumes and met some friends down there. They were all on shrooms, wish we'd known as we would have joined them ! Weird when your friends aren't in the same space as you.

Anyway, I was looking pretty hot as a pirate-wench and it was a fun evening. Unfortunately the bar didn't have a liqor license, so we nipped to another (fancy) bar for a couple of tequila's, and everyone stared at us coz we were in silly pirate costumes !

We went back to the Pirate bar about 30 mins later, and everyone had gone! All our friends had anyway; so we called to see if there was an 'after party' but they said they were going to bed. BORING !

So, as we were drunk, actually I was shit-faced, I thought we should go skinny-dipping in the ocean across from the bar. I NEVER go in the ocean at night !!

But we had all this stuff to take off, not just like shorts and t-shirts as normal, but fishnet hose, belts, 'pirate' jewelry, bracelets, earrings, necklaces, boots, hat – the lot !! So while that lot got as sandy as hell, we went in the ocean. No-one else was in, but there were quite a few people on the sand.... this was about 2am I guess.

I must have been SUPER-drunk to do that, and I wanted to vomit all the way home, and my head was spinning, even so, when we got home, we heated up pizza and ate it in bed

The next day, I figured I really didn't drink more than 4 or 5 drinks, so it must be the anti-depressants I'm on that increase the effect of alcohol. It DOES say on the packet not to drink and take the tablets, but ALL drugs say that

Things are going well, so why do I feel crap??

I got a reflexology appointment referral today, so that's money, so why am I not happy about it?  Probably because I'm nervous that I haven't done it in a while, and this lady has been for reflexology before.  It's like... pretending to know another language, but really only being able to speak a few words, like you're afraid of someone thinking you are a phony.

Then I was supposed to go and watch a play that SP is in tonight, but 15 mins before I left, I just decided I didn't want to go.  WHY???   I am letting so many people down.  Not like I had anything better to do... it's weird, I've done this before... It's like I'm AFRAID of being bored.

I did it on Saturday too, said I was too hung over from Friday to go to Earth Dance in Miami on Saturday with SP and some others.  I just didn't want to go.  Can't explain why.

So now of course I'm pissed off with myself and tyring hard NOT to beat myself up about it.  I am so full of good advice for other people, why can't I take it myself?  Like SP not listening to HIS own advice too !

The only things I go to, even if I want to or not, is my hair appointments and my chiropractor appointments, although I have been known to cancel the chiropractor about twice.

So, I seem to just decide last minute to NOT go to things that I would ENJOY...??  How does that make any sense?  I remember talking to the Psych about this before.  She said something about me not thinking I deserve to go and have fun.  I WANT fun and to do new things... so that makes no sense either.

Why would I rather stay home alone, while SP is out enjoying himself, or even when I have a girls nite, I cancel it.   What is WRONG with me??

Long time, no write !

Not necessarily because things have been going good or bad, just - I don't really know why I haven't been updating my journal really...

Anyhoo, started taking anti-depressants a few weeks ago, started on Prozac with no side effects, but told that Wellbutrin would be better to help with my lack of sex drive, so switched to those, but I can only take half the normal dose, or it makes me REALLY nauseous and wake up with a headache every morning, but SP says my mood AND libido has really improved so that's a good thing.

But yesteray was shitty.  We had a few friends over to decorate/sew and light up costumes for Burning Man, and suddenly I felt nauseous and anti-social so i went upstairs to watch tv for the rest of the evening.

I started panicking about going to Burning Man, and all the 'commitments' we had made.  Particularly my 'naked sushi platter' night.  I will be TOTALLY naked (not usually a problem) and covered in pieces of sushi and sashimi for the rock-star dinner, where about 40 'star' guests from Burning Man will come for a 6 course dinner, with me being an appetizer.

I have asked a friend to come over later this week and try and cover or disguise my hysterectomy scars with Henna, so I don't gross anyone out, and I have to be totally waxed bare, and I have these two ingrowing hairs that have made a big red lump and so he will have to disguise that too

So I'm nervous that he won't be able to disguise everything, secondly how long will I be laid out flat on a board with sushi on me, will I be dying to pee?  Usually I can only go an hour or so without peeing.... so THAT'S a huge worry....
Then, what if I have an itch??  My arms and legs will also be covered in sushi, so i wont be able to move at all...
Ok if I have a face or leg or belly itch, maybe I can ask someone to scratch it, but what if my hoo-haa itches??  What if some wasabi falls into the area and burns??

So now I don't want to go to Burning Man AT ALL.  I just want to give it all up and stay home.  Unfortunately, we have $300 of illicit substances ordered and paid for already, $250 non-refundable entry ticket, $400 non-refundable airline ticket, not to mention having to let down the organizer of the very important dinner where I am supposed to be sushi platter...

I feel TOTALLY obligated to go now, because of the money SP has spent on the trip, the commitments I have made to various camps to volunteer etc.  If it was MY money I had spent, I wouldn't feel the pressure to go, I'd just make out I was ill, and just blow it off.  But SP will shit if I back out, and probably dump me too, so it's just not an option.

I'm just dreading being nauseous every day from the anti-depressants, and taking other drugs on top of that, and the heat and the dust (thank god we have an RV) and having to show up for all this stuff I committed to

Also we have Hurricane Faye on the way to South Florida, so that won't be much fun either.

I JUST DON'T WANNA !!

After a shitty and boring Memorial Day weekend, feeling blue and down and miserable about alot of things, it's time I started going to the new gym, getting on my bike everyday, and seeing if exercise really DOES make a difference.  So I'll be journaling really boring things about how I feel on a daily basis 

I didn't wake up until 12.30 today which is weird, seems to be getting later and later these days, with no reason why... not like I partied all weekend or anything, just Friday.  Nevertheless, I got the banking done, some new workout gear for the gym and picked up my library books and made an orange-sesame salad dressing from scratch

So after all these years of bugging me and threatening to leave me, divorce me etc, we do this whole swinging thing, which he says is VITAL to his life and we cannot have a relationship without it, he will move on to someone else...

Now it appears that he isn't really interested in seeing the people we meet up with on any kind of regular basis at all. So of course, being opened up to that 'world' and finally letting go of the fear and finding that I actually quite like it, he 'takes it away' from me, as when *I* ask to go be with other people, I get a flat NO or "I don't think it's a good idea right now".  If I had said that to him before I agreed to do it, I would have been answered with a threat and / or some kind of blackmail.

So now it's ME who is bored of SP in the bedroom, I have no lust for him at all, he's getting older and older before my eyes and I'm tired of his same old shit, and still thinking he's 40.

Now I want the outside fun, and not necessarily to 'share' either.  I want the excitement and passion of an affair, a new lover, someone to get butterflies over... WHY NOW??  Things were going so well.

Is it because I really like Rob?  I don't know why... apart from us fitting personalities pretty well and being closer in age and him being quite a looker, he didn't really do anything for me in bed, so why do I crave him?

I am SO torn about telling SP my feelings.  I know if I do, we will never see him again, but also I feel that I am being dishonest not only with SP, but denying myself some pleasure in life.

I think, had it been the other way around, and we'd met a girl that he wanted 'us' to see again, and I'd said no, or wasn't planning to see her in the near future, then he would go off and see her by himself, having an affair.

Not that it makes it right to do so, but I guess now *I* feel cheated in some way that I've had some pleasure dangled in front of my face and now it's being taken away from me, like some cruel joke.

I have to fantasize about Rob in order to get even vaguely turned on by SP now.  I guess this is what happens to alot of couples, I really never thought it would happen to SP and I because I was always jealous of who he was with.  Now he's STILL jealous of some people that I have told him over and over that it will never happen (and it REALLY won't, he's totally barking up the wrong tree there) and it's getting tiresome.

I did feel a pang of something today, not jealousy as such, but now M.O.M. is pregnant, he wants to take nude or semi-nude pics of her, as he thinks she should, or she will regret it later and she's only got a few weeks before she drops the brat out, and that every mother to be should have pics of herself pregnant.  If he does that, I will almost definitely use that as an excuse to do WHATEVER I like, as, me being anti-kids, I think it's pretty gross that he'd want to take those pics of her.

I really want to tell him how I feel, so why the fear?  He can't do anything to me except divorce me, as he does not need any grounds to do so in Florida, and I have a few job prospects and feel settled, so why would I care?  Because I love him in a certain way, but I'm not IN LOVE with him, I really don't want to live without him, but on HIS terms, sharing lovers, funny how that has turned around from me being so dead against it, to wanting what HE wanted all along, but now he's changed his mind. Weird.

I guess after his birthday I'll go back to the psychologist and see what she says, as we only discussed it briefly the other day.

I've been real grumpy coz a few weeks after my surgery I was horny as hell, then just as suddenly as it appeared, it went away so for the first time ever, SP and I hadn't had sex for 12 days.  He was good about it tho, never bugged me, tried to help by giving me an oily massage but I just fell asleep !

I told him last night that I didn't want to be here and had 'itchy feet' and was still pissed that I wasn't horny.  I'm 'restless', even though there is no reason I can think of for it.... I have a part time job, 2 other job opportunities, parties and weekends away and burning man to prep for... maybe it's all the coke I did at the weekend.

Anyway, last night he met up with a guy who we met at the weekend who is interested in making some performance poetry art ...SP has a shit load of poetry he's written since the late 60's so they met up to see what they could do.  This morning he left his 'poetry book' out on the kitchen table, I flicked through a few bits of it, then we had this messenger conversation:


Me:    wow you kept that poetry book hidden!  Seems like you wrote alot of 'love' stuff in 86 and 87 - when you and carla were breaking up i guess..
SP:    It's been in the bookcase all along. And I don't think that's all of it either.
Me:    I saw some years ago in the yellow bookcase, mostly about Jen and brazil it seemed
SP:    Same book
Me:    no, this was in some see-thru booklet, mostly about brazil and orgasms as i remember, none of that stuff in there from the 60's
SP:    The booklet I printed for BM I gave to Daniel
Me:    ok, that would be it then.  Shame you weren't able to stay wit h those people and situations that obviously got under your skin enough to write about, huh?

SP:    Don't believe everything you read. Most poetry is a take off of something.

Me:    I guess you only write poetry about what you can't have.
Me:    yeah right... Sunshine an Daria?? pretty obvious


Me:    Why didn't we have passion like that?  i want it.  I miss it.
SP:    We actually have something better - love.

Me:    I don't call it love when you would be willing to drop me like a hot coal if i suddenly don't participate in your lifestyle.  if it's so temporary, i prefer passion and lust.  which we (or at east I did) had at the beginning, but i got slapped down so often and 'denied' for sex that i ended up being like a kid who is smacked for reaching into the candy bowl too often, she ends up not wanting it, associating it with pain

Me:    besides, you had passion AND love for those people, so i'm missing something that i want and you want

SP:    The word "passion" has its root in suffering. Syn: {Passion}, {Feeling}, {Emotion}.
Usage: When any feeling or emotion completely masters the
mind, we call it a passion; as, a passion for music, dress, etc.; especially is anger (when thus extreme) called passion. The mind, in such cases is considered as having lost its self-control, and become the passive instrument of the feeling in question.

SP:    I prefer to be master of my mind.
SP:    And as for the word "love", you need to be able to read and understand "The Road Less Traveled"

Me:    stop trying to fuck with me and getting all above yourself.  you know completely what I mean. 
call it lust, then, if you want, but i have little or no lust for you anymore - "heart pounding can't keep my hands off you" stuff, and I miss it. 
I don't believe I ever had that feeling FROM you, but you clearly did for other people, mainly it seems those you couldn't have or control - kinda fits your passion definition. 
and because you think you are the master of your mind, those passionate feelings wont come thru, they surface as insecurity and jealousy thru the filters you have.
I just want some 'headiness' back in my/our lives.  we have both had it before with others, why can't WE have it is my question?

That was at Noon, 3.15pm and still no answer.  Is he mulling over the fact that I have no passion or lust for him anymore - that would really destroy him underneath, that I don't want or need him anymore, or is he thinking of a way to get out of this marriage if I don't want him?

When REALLY he should be thinking about how to get passion back in our lives.

I have a strong feeling to go be with someone and FEEL some of that passion I've been missing.  It won't fulfil me for long, but I'll enjoy the rush   But that's cheating and I don't want to do that.

So I'm all healed from my surgery and pretty much back to normal, just dealing with the scars, putting Vitamin E oil on them every day so they disappear quickly and nicely.

I trained for 2 days with my new job at the acupuncturist and on the 3rd day she asked me to be the 'model' for her new brochures, and padi me $60 for like 20 mins for it !   Cool.

SP has been a little strange... all these years I have whined that I want and need more affection from him, and he ignored me, or it lasted 2 days then when back to nothing... now every day he says he loves me, sometimes 3 or 4 times, that is UNHEARD of !!

At the weekend, he said it when we were about to go to sleep, and I didn't say it back (I don't always, not unless I really mean it in that moment) and he asked if I was still happy with him...??!!   I said of course, where did that come from (he NEVER asks questions like that, which make him seem insecure).  He said that sometimes he needs to hear it too.

It's just weird that he is like this all the time now, from virtually ignoring me and being very unloving, to almost stifling me with kisses and hugs and words of love.  Then LAST night,  he cuddled me and said "I love you, I'm lucky to have you "   Uhh.... you JUST realised that?? LOL

Oh and on the wedding anniversary card he gave me he put that he is lucky to have found me and loves me more and more each passing day.  Holy fuck.  Those words have NEVER come out of his mouth.  WHAT is going on??

Has he:

• finally realised what a great partner he really has?
• feeling insecure coz he 'found out' that me and Rob are in contact outside of his 'knowledge'?
• upto something of his own? (ie. cheating)

I hope it is one or both of the first two.  Maybe I should sneak a peek in his journal and see if I can find any clues there.

Or is it because I have a book "deal beakers, find out if your relationship is worth saving or it's time to move on" on the bedside shelf?

this is a copy of an email I sent to a bunch of people who were asking about me, it summarizes the last few days, so it was a good one to post:

i think i am because when i ran out today and my doc wont renew the script i became very agitated and "ill"  

I was having 2mg i/v in hospital but they only sent me out with 2mg tabs which lose 50-70% of the effectiveness in the acid stomach, funny how they didn't tell me that... so I was taking one and nothing was happening to improve the pain.

So I  took 2, crushed and snorted (suggested by a good friend !) and that worked for the pain, but no euphoria, which was ok coz I was in pain and not in it for the fun.   You crush them so they go quickly into your blood stream and dont have to wait an hour for them to dissolve inthe stomach - nothing 'bad' or illegal about it, just more time effective.

I found they only worked for a couple of hours tho then I became very relaxed (coz the pain had disappeared) but talkative.  Sometimes even going into another living world (while lying down on the bed) - not hallucinating, but just me in a different space in time, not like star trek, but just... next week or with different stuff around me.  I began to like this alot.  I was kinda like astral travelling, not trippy, but just .... wonderful.  And the BEST thing aboiut these pain meds is that they dont make me vomit or itch!  I have found my new heaven.

And at $16 for 30 of them, OMG how great is this??  Unfortunately they are more potent and illegal (without an rx) than morphine, so no chance of getting more if i wanted to explore the cool side of it.

 

 

 

On Sunday evening, SP and I were napping in bed and I could smell Rob's aftershave on him.... OMG it was naughty and sexy and delicious to smell the scent of another man on my husband.  It of course reminded me of Rob and all the lovely things he did to me (which SP never does!) so I was all over SP and we had sex a couple of times. 

I thought about Rob pretty much all day, he emailed too saying that he knew SP had gone commando on the way home Saturday, as Monday morning he found his underwear near the couch

I thought about how he touched and stroked me, not even in a sexual way, but how he stroked my arm, or neck or ran his fingers through my hair, held my hand and stroked my palm when we were 'resting'.  I was on my back alot of the time during our 'rest' periods, and he'd always put his hand on my stomach, as if to check I was breathing.

I asked him at one point during the session, what HE wanted, he just replied 'I'm enjoying the look on your face, right now' - as if nothing was more important than me.  WOW.  I've not had that kind of attention for many many years.   And it wasn't like it was convoluted... he wasn't trying to woo me, we'd already been intimate, and I'm married, and he wants 'no strings' - so I thought how lucky we were to have found such a sensitive and intelligent partner.

SP was quite aggressive that night, verbally and physically, as if he had to show he was in charge or something, but he had no problem with Rob paying me more attention than to him.  I think... but I was a little bombed on this and that

I found myself wanting to speak to him, smell him, touch him again, and even though we didn't have alot of physical chemistry (ie. he didn't make me cum, well neither of them did actually, but that's just me), I found that I was realizing how much I missed 'romantic' attention.

SP has acted VERY differently since that night.  He has been WAY more affectionate, telling me several times a day he loves me, lots of cuddles and even arm and face-stroking, which I ALWAYS bugged him to do, as I like it, and now, hey presto, he's doing it daily !

Of course, I know the reason, it's obvious that he paid great attention to what Rob did with me and how well I responded.  Finally he gets it??  Or he's jealous that another guy made me feel good?   Either way, I get the kind of touching I like, finally after 2 1/2 years !

SP did make it clear, though, that he didn't want to see Rob on a social basis as he thought the lines between social and sexual would get blurred and he didn't want anyone to have expectations of sex when we were just out socially.  That's a real shame as Rob had offered to teach us how to rollerblade, and we all share SUCH a similar mindset, that it's almost spooky.

Rob emailed again and said that he'd love to see us again, and not jsut for naughty stuff, that he loved the rapport we all had and would like to see us socially too.

I think SP is a little shocked how much I enjoyed myself, sees that Rob and I have alot in common like our country, the fact we know Europe and speak several European languages - maybe he is worried that I will get emotionally attached - and he may not be wrong !

I did tell SP that I felt guilty that I enjoyed myself and was honest with him that I was thinking about Saturday night when I was with him, and he said "but that's ok, you're still with me now, it's ok to enjoy yourself"

I think though if SP doesn't 'allow' us/me to see him socially, or often (like once a month?) that I will be tempted to see or contact him by myself.  I'm afraid of that as there is absolutely NOTHING to gain except the brief excitement that I'm doing something I should not.  After my surgery I will speak to my psychologist about that.  I think it's all normal thoughts, but I need some help to deal with those feelings I guess.

Well, so we finally met up with this guy, we had 2 possibles from a website for just this kind of thing... no strings attached sex/play/ whatever.  We met about 10pm at a lovely winebar with comfy leather sofas.

After looking at a few pictures of him online, he seemed nice looking but nothing fabulous... 41 and an ex-Brit !  Oh no, I thought, he's gonna be a wanker (coz I don't really know any 'cool' people back home that have a similar mind set to me anymore).  I was impressed however, that he didn't have any cock photos on display, which most of the sex website profiles do - sometimes as their main photo ! 

He was sitting at the bar looking a little nervous, he'd already admitted to only having been with another couple once or twice.  But I was hopped up on coke and a little tequila and strode in to the wine bar, straight upto him and said "hi you must be Rob?" big smile and kissed him on both cheeks (well he did live in France for 12 years)
Well - he was YUMMY !    Also very intelligent, well spoken, highly educated (Oxford no less!) and speaks 3 languages.  I was pretty smitten .  So we all talked for a couple of hours then he invited us back to his place, which surprised me in a way coz he was very no-sexual, not touchy or flattering anyone, not doing the whole pick-up thing, so I wasn't sure he was interested.

Anyway, back at his place he opened more wine, put candles on and we all settled on the sofa with me in the middle - oh by this point I had gone into the bathroom and added sexy (not slutty) crotchless knickers with suspenders/garters attached, and stockings, just to add to the already skin-tight dress and high heels I had on - for the boys' benefit of course, visual creatures that they are !

SP and Rob both started touching me, arms, neck, chest - SP started groping at Rob's crotch, which was already straining thru his pants (I'd already had a feel ) and SP pretty much took charge and undressed Rob on the couch

We all kissed a bit, then as things got friskier we moved into the bedroom.  OMG this guy had a high-rise condo in a swanky area, with a leather headboard and white silk sheets in this bedroom - he can't be wanting for pussy LOL !

I won't go on about the bedroom stuff, but we were there for about 4 hours, when I was pretty much the only one awake as I kept getting up to have a bump, in between fun and games.  Nothing too serious, but we all had a good time.

We got home about 5am and realised that SP had left his underwear behind

And as the reflexology clients are hardly banging down my door, I
might do it.

So, my wonderful acupuncturist Karen, who I've become very friendly
with lately as she's helping me with my pelvic pain issues, calls me
up this morning. She starts telling me about this new technology called the Relaxation Bed (here's the link of you want to check it out, it's a little
technical,
http://www.flodestressing.com/index_files/page0001.html)

... and says the medical researcher is coming to her place (she has
her own business) to train her and 2 other 'technicians' how to use
it. It's full on 2 day training and it will be the first 'bed' here
in Florida, they're mainly in PA and MA and the Netherlands.

So there was me thinking, as I'm so fu*ked up right now, that she
wants a guinea pig for it. Nope, she wonders if I want to train as
one of the technicians ! She says it's only $15-20 p/h (she knows I
get $60 for my reflexology, as she does for her acupuncture), but she
thought I might be interested as through all the talks we've had, she
knows I have a wide interest in alternative therapies and healing.

She said it would start at probably 2 days a week, then upto 30 hrs a
week when clients start getting interested.

Firstly I panicked... I haven't worked for anyone else for about 7
years, and never intended to, hence the reflexology. BUT, Karen is
way cool, and despite knowing all my medical issues, is willing to
employ ME...??!

So now I'm thinking that might be a way cool job, and SO in the right
'industry' to help me get reflexology clients too (she's already
recommended me to people for that).

I know generally that jobs here pay crappo to what I'm used to... for
instance, 'they' want me to have a business degree just to be a
secretary, when I have 14 years experience of not only being a
secretary, but a high-level personal executive assistant, office
manager, team of 30 supervisor blah blah, experience over education
doesn't seem to count here, and even if I DID have a Biz Degree, they
would still only pay me $12-14 ph I got paid $70 ph in the UK 10
years ago !

So, I'm guessing that for a 2-day trained 'technician' that $15-20 p/h
is not bad.... any thoughts on this?

Whaddya think? Should I go for it?? At what point do I mention that
I need 2 weeks off at the end of August for Burning Man hehhehe? Oh
and most fridays' off to travel to central florida for camping. Oh
and a week off for ski-ing or scuba diving?

 I don't want to screw up a good opportunity by being inflexible on
vacations. HELP !!

Well, they *say* permanent, but it's actually a 2 year conditional residency.  I have to apply again at the end of those 2 years, for a 10 year residency 

The interview was a piece of cake after all the horror stories I'd heard about the grilling they give you at immigration.... she didn't even ask how we met !!

I'd taken photos and emails we'd written in 2005/6, affidavits from friends to say we were a genuine couple, all the shit that immigration actually ask for.... but she didn't even ask for it, just stamped my passport and told me I'd get the card i about 2 weeks

I guess we had a better chance of not being grilled because I wasn't from a south American country... most there were of hispanic origin and couldn't speak english, which I guess is the norm in Miami. Although I thought they'd give us a hard time about the 23 year age difference.

But it was a breeze, so now i can actually travel outside the US again
! I

On the way back from Miami, I dropped into my doctors office to get a copy of my medical records, then we went to IHOP for lunch.  In the evening I was feeling bad, but we still managed to polish off a bottle of $40 champagne

Go read it, but I make $15 a day doing nothing except clicking on 15-30 ads 

yeah yeah, sounds like ALL those other scams, right?  But my g/f put me onto it, she has been trying to work from home, and has been through alot of the scams, but she has already got paid or I wouldn't have signed up for it.  Check it out:

Bux !

It doesn't cost anything to sign up or start earning, but it is quicker if you invest.  I've made $106 since Jan 10th.

I've had a REALLY stressful week dealing with wanky doctors and insurance peeps and retarded government employess, all in the name of health "care"

I had another doctors appointment, and now I have scheduled a vaginal hysterectomy for 29th Feb.  However, I'm not entirely happy with what he proposes, so I have another appointment with another doc on 6th Feb.

We started Spanish class last Thursday, so that is something to do and look forward to, although I missed last nights' class as I had a migraine from all this stress and no doubt I will miss 1 or 2 classes with my operation.

We also went to the Bodies exhibition at the weekend which was WAAAY cool and I've wanted to go for ages.

So next week is a busy one too, I have my immigration interview on 5th Feb, to get my green card for 2 years, the other doc on 6th, hairdresser on 7th, then 8/9/10th we are having soe people over for the weekend, and going to a show in Miami beach.

Since seeing the acupuncturist every week for 3 weeks, my pain from my pelvic area/ovaries etc is very much diminished, so I'm really happy about that.  Still, though, I get alot of unexplained pains that keep me awake at night

So I'd hardly had ANY pain at all this week, thanks to my acupuncture session and the chinese herbs she's given me, I was astounded, instead of pain every day, I barely noticed if I'd had any at all.

Today ai had an appointment with her again, and she also gave me another herb to try, Reishi mushroom for the immune system.  She said she had been really worried about me, and was delighted at my response to the therapy and herbs. 

I told her about the fact it looked like I had to have a hysterectomy and she said to avoid it at all costs, and to really look into other things, and that she'd try to manage my pain for me, coz then I really didn't need the operation, unless the growth was malignant, so I'm thinking of asking the surgeon on Monday if he can do an investigative laparoscopy, and take a biopsy to see what the growth is, and how extensive the endometriosis is.

So I was having a positive and pain-free day, until the evening when I developed a new pain in my lower back and side, which kept me awake most of the night

ah well, good news and bad news, and alot of it.  I went to see a gynecologist today, to finally get the ball rolling with my endometriosis (endo) and how to fix it.

GREAT dr.  really nice.  but he doesn't do surgery anymore so had to refer me to a specialist. told me i had endo b4 he even examined me, said what i described was classic endo.

After the exam, said i have an abnormally shaped uterus and i have a growth on it which may or may not be cancerous, called adenomyosis. in any case he strongly suggests a hysterectomy, which they CANNOT do thru the vagina as the surgeon also has to check for endo around the bladder, intestines, bowel etc

Er... so i have to get a pregnancy test in case this growth he felt was a baby in a weird place,  a pelvic ultrasound, bloodwork for  vitamin d level, mammogram and go visit a genetic specialist, but I declined the mammogram as I've already had 2 breast thermography tests, which are more sensitive than mammograms, but of course the mainstream medical industry wont accept thost test because it's new technology. 

I also declined the genetic thing, it's only because my mum has breast cancer, and they want to test for the BRCA gene, some people have their breasts lopped off just IF the have the gene, in CASE they get breast cancer, how ridiculous  !  I'm not doing that, so a positive BRCA genetic test wont make any difference to me, so I'm not wasting the money.  If I get breast cancer, I get breast cancer, THEN I will have them removed and replace them with more fake boobs !

So the question now is whether or not my insurance company will approve this surgery, I bet they will try and make out that it's a pre-existing condition, after all, we all now that they deny most 1st claims anyway.

If they DO deny it then I will most likely go to Cuba to have it done, then at least I can request a plastic surgeon to sew up my big hysterectomy scar, for probably like another $100 instead of the thousands it would cost me to request that in the USA.

The only problem with cuba now I have to have a hysterectomy rather than the less invasive laparoscopy (1" cut under the belly button) is that I will have to be there probably 2 weeks+ instead of a week for recovery and SP won't be able to take all that time off work, but we'll just have to see.

We have to see what this surgeon says on Monday and then see if the insurance will cover it, and what they will charge for a plastic surgeon to sew me up (coz I know the Insurance wont cover that) and then see how much it is in Cuba and go from there.  What a pain !  At least I know what's wrong with me now tho.

The doc said that this growth in my uterus is undoubtedly the cause of all my gas, bloating and weight gain, can't wait to get rid of it then !

I've been very depressed since monday.  I had a shit time at the gynecologist, which gave me a migraine, then I had to go to the Psych with SP again, and that wasn't productive and we argued again, and my endometriosis pain is outrageously bad too.

So we got home about 6pm from the Psych and I went and slept in the van as I couldn't stand the noise from SP running on the treadmill, as my migraine was so bad.

I dont think he even noticed I wasn't around, as he never even came to look for me.

I have several good reasons to be very depressed, which I wanted SP to ask about, when I told him I didn't want to live anymore, but he ignored me:

1.   i have pain almost every day of my life an no-one seems to want to help me fix it
2.   I have no confidence in my own ability to do a job which I am trained for
3.   The man I love and want to be with, wants to be intimate with other people, so why am I here?

One of the first things he said to the therapist, was that if he didn't have a 'map' of the future for a marriage that HE wanted, then he would be divorcing me.  WOW .

So we went over all the bullshit about strip clubs and who is allowed where, and of course he 'won' or if I had not agreed to his terms, he would have been filing for divorce right now.

Although, let me say this - as our pre-nup says that he has to pay me $50K if he divorces me within the first 5 years, I find it really hard to believe that he would be willing to pay that, just to be out of a marriage where he was getting laid plenty, but he was whining coz he wasn't fucking OTHER people.  So...

• he'd shoot himself in the foot,
  
• pay me $50,000
  
• and be without a partner and someone to have sex with at home,
  
• and he wouldn't be able to swing either, as you have to have a partner to do that, so he wouldn't be getting any sex at all ! 
  

Doesn't make sense to me that he'd want to do that.  Maybe i'll bring it up sometime, as I'm really curious about that.

Also, a few days ago, he said that whatever happens, he will still see my thru getting my green card, well that CAN"T happen if he divorces me right now, so was he lying?

So anyway, it turns out, pretty much, that because HE wasn't swinging (which is actually untrue coz we did when we were ski-ing in california, with a male friend of ours, so that is a lie), he thought that Zander would be benefitting from seeing me with other girls (friends, not the strippers) and petting on them at this strip club party, and that he felt left out.

He made this big deal about not getting what he wanted from the marriage and that he wanted a divorce if he wasn't going to get what he wants.  I told him that I'd agreed to meet people to swing with, AS LONG AS I was attracted to them, and that I wasn't going to be sexual with people I didn't find attractive.  I said did he have a time limit on that because it wasn't MY fault that HE didn't have the time to sit down and write to people and connect with them to meet up !

So basically here was the problem - he wants to fuck other people (with me there, joining in) or he wants a divorce, otherwise he feels used as he is providing for me, looking after me when I'm sick and apparently he is getting nothing in return.

Well the psych laid into him somewhat for using the 'divorce' word, she said it should never be used until it was actually underway, and NOT when he was just making threats with it.

In the meantime in the session, I had told him that I was very upset that he'd mention divorce before we'd even seen a therapist, and that if he was trying to use it as a threat, then I wasn't threatened by t, but also could not live with it if he keeps saying that one day, and being all lovey the next as it was making me ill.

It ended up that he still said he felt very raw about the whole situation and that while he'd not made his mind up (even though i'd already agreed months ago that we'd be more diligent about contacting people to swing with !) he would think about things.

Before next monday, we are supposed to compile a list of 'allowed behaviours' outside of the company of each other.

I guess we still have to deal with trust issues, and I'm dying to know how I'm supposed to trust him, when he is trying to force me to sign a post-nuptual agreement, in a big hurry, like before the end of January ie. before my immigration interview.

So after his big blow up last night, he got out the whisky again (oh god no, not another man I've driven to drink!  ) and a cigar and sat in the yard for like an hour, brooding I assume.

When he came back in, stinking of booze and cigars, I went to him in the office and asked if he wanted to watch this movie with me about brazil.  H just grunted.  I said 'are you just going to grunt at me from now on?'  He nodded yes.  OK then, I said.

About an hour later he was still sitting staring at his computer screen, and i went over put my hand on his shoulder and kissed the back of his neck and said 'don't worry, we'll fix it.'  He mumbled "oh i don't think so'.  GREAT

So I said 'listen, I've been in therapy for over 2 years to deal with all the problems I had with you, so you can at least do me the courtesy of seeing a therapist before you start talking about divorce'.  and I left the room.  He went to bed later, and I went about 1am but he was snoring so I went back in the lounge and slept on the couch.

This morning he had that same mood about him, I was hoping that he would have mellowed out some, but clearly not, so no I'm just waiting for our 1.30 appointment with the psych.  More later, I guess.